I have gone back and forth considering weather to post this or leave it for another time. I think it has serious value towards understanding what it is that War can do to the brain. I am worried that some of my recent contacts at school may read this and judge me or not fully understand the basis for which this comes from. Nevertheless, I feel as though it should be shared and hopefully it will not lend me to the label of abnormal.
I sit down to dinner in my two bedroom apartment on the Charles and attempt to contemplate what has occurred over the past day. I play back nearly every interaction, missed interaction, and predominately the failed interactions. I flip on the TV and go to ESPN to get 15-20 minutes of zen before I decide to go lay down for bed. I walk to the guest bedroom first, windows locked?..check, I walk to the kitchen, windows locked? check, I walk to the front door, locked?...check, I walk to the living room, windows locked?...check, I walk into my own bedroom, windows locked? Check. I really enjoy my two bedroom apartment by myself. I tell others I live by myself because the Army still pays for my stipend on housing, which is partly true, but as I go to bed I recognize in my mind that I am not being truly honest by leaving it just at that. The fear of being judged, well let me start again, the fear of being judged negatively haunts me. And as I finally lay down I see the walking cane laying in the corner of my room. It has sat there lifeless for the past three weeks, not allowed to participate in my daily life for fear of being judged as crippled, weird, or fake. I know my doctors who performed countless surgeries to save my foot and leg, would be furious at my withdrawal from the mandated support of the walking cane. As I begin to close my eyes, I think to myself, "Tomorrow, tomorrow I will let my guard down and use the cane as I am suppose to." I then drift off.
Bang! A shot rings out over my head. "Gun team move!" We are getting shot at and its very close. "Move 1st squad up the right flank, 2nd squad hold for now." I do a self assessment, my weapon, where is my weapon? Holy Shit I don't have a weapon. I run around looking for it, where is my rifle? I look everywhere on the ground, as I look up I am face to face with an enemy fighter...Bang!
I sit up in bed immediately. I am sweating, my hands are clinched and my mind is racing. I am on high alert, I look and listen for any movement....none. I realize now it was a dream, a reoccurring dream I have had for two years. I then turn to look at the clock, as I turn I pray that hours, or maybe even the whole night had gone by before this dream. As I turn I come face to face with my clock....30 minutes have passed since I fell asleep.
I pull myself up out of bed, as I have everytime this occurs for the past two years. I open the door to my bedroom and begin my preparation for bed process all over again. I walk to the guest bedroom first, windows locked?..check, I walk to the kitchen, windows locked? check, I walk to the front door, locked?...check, I walk to the living room, windows locked?...check, I walk into my own bedroom, windows locked? Check. I lay back down again, my cane staring at me, and I fall back asleep.
"Ok boys, no one move. Just got some intel that the path were about to be on is highly laced with IED's (improvised explosive devices). Lets get the mine detectors up front, get in a file and move out due northeast." I take note that the men look tired, scared, and dejected. I can feel the heat on my skin as the afghan sun beats down on us. We begin moving and I can feel by body come to a more relaxed state as our movement is unimpeded. For a moment I am at ease. Right foot in front of left, stay in the path of the man in front of you. It was not an uncommon practice. I put my right foot out in front of me, and I feel the pressure plate of the IED as it sinks beneath my foot....Explosion.
I sit up in bed shaking. I reach down and feel my right leg just to make sure it is still there. I again realize the dream I have just had. I look towards the clock. Luckily this time I had slept for another hour and a half before this episode. I pick myself up out of my bed and repeat my process. I walk to the guest bedroom first, windows locked?..check, I walk to the kitchen, windows locked? check, I walk to the front door, locked?...check, I walk to the living room, windows locked?...check, I walk into my own bedroom, windows locked? Check.
This is where the worst part of the night starts. I consciously know I need to go back to sleep, but my subconscious has no interest in sleeping anymore. I fight in and out of being awake and half asleep. One second im fully conscious looking right at the clock, the next drifting off. I think, "No, don't fall asleep, you know how this ends." But I drift off, then come to, drift off, then come to. This process continues for a long time. My body never feeling at ease until the sun crests the horizon.
I get up out of bed now, tired but not any different than I usually feel from my interrupted sleep cycle. I get ready for school and as I walk out I look at my cane. "Nope, sorry not today." I walk out of my apartment and head to class.
***I almost never write extra things after my last lines unless I find it appropriate, however for this again my fear of judgement within a new community that may read this leads me to explain a few things that may not be explicitly inferred. First off, there is no rationality behind a lot of the things I do while fighting sleep. I gladly understand that and accept it. Maybe to say it differently, I know a lot of my fears and anxieties are irrational, which makes them more frustrating. Also, I will add, this does not occur everynight, I wouldnt even put it in the frequent category. But it does occur and its not in the seldom category. The main goal of this piece is explaining to people the behind the scenes portion of war and what it does to people. Its not pretty, its not sexy, it is often weird and concerning. But this is the life that I live, this is the life that many of us live behind close doors.*****
Thank you for reading.
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