As I laid in the hospital bed in Germany, I thought to myself, "I wonder what my life is going to be like now." I wonder what things will be the same, what things will be different, and the kind of person I am or will become. As I laid there a nurse came in and started preparing the bed across from me for a new patient to come in. Five minutes later the new patient was carried in on a stretcher and they put him on the bed. It was an 18 year old soldier who had been involved in an IED blast. He looked like two face from Batman. His entire right side of his face was burned and peppered with shrapnel. The nurses set him up in the bed and then left the room. It was just him and I now. He started to cry. I said, "Are you ok buddy? Can I help you with something?" With tears in his eyes he replied, "Im 18 years old man. Look at my face. Who is ever going to want to be with me now? Im a freak. Im only 18."
I have reflected a lot in the past couple of months on my experiences overseas and now being back at home. I have written about my situation, my friends, my soldiers and random people I have come across. I think it is common a year after a tragedy for people to reflect and comment on how better there life is now because they went through such a tragedy. I would love to write a blog entry today about my perseverance and grit through this whole event. I would love to write about how my life has actually gotten better since this incident occurred and how much I appreciate life now. But, I pride myself on being authentic and an entry like that would not be authentic. Yes there are certainly aspects of my life that have improved, but reflecting a year later, my life has on average gotten worse.
I walked up to Grant Hall to meet one of my classmates that now works in the admissions office. I spotted him outside the door and standing next to him was the "Supe", head of USMA. I walked up, saluted the three star general and said hello. He began speaking to me about how he knew my family and my story and how proud he was of me. He was half way into telling me about how the Academy was doing when another one of my classmates walked up. This classmate had been severely injured in Afghanistan resulting in losing one of his legs. The Supe stopped mid sentence and with no explanation walked away from me and over to this Soldier. I stood there astonished, figuring he would come back and finish our conversation, he never did. He talked to my classmate and motioned to an aid, "Hey get my camera out, I want to take a picture with this great Soldier." I watched as the two took a picture together and then I slowly walked away.
This story may sound very trivial and in some ways it is. Do I hold anyone responsible? No. But it is a good vignette that signifies my struggle over the past year. Since I was young I have always been fearful of not being respected. I take everything in my life seriously and find it very difficult to brush off even the smallest of situations. I have always been sensitive to the fact that people do not take my injury seriously. To some this may sound crazy, "How could you not take it seriously?" But in the world of wounded Soldiers my injury could be looked at on the minor side. Whether it was the CW4 who told me, "Well it is just a foot injury." Or my Battalion Commander never contacting me after my injury, I have constantly felt alone this past year. I cant adequately describe the feeling of abandonment that this past year has caused me. Its a sad realization when I sit down and think, "Maybe people would have cared more if I lost my leg." Now this is no insult or anything to people that have. I am sure they would be quick to tell me I am crazy and no I really don't wish that, but being authentic I would be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind.
There have been a lot of people who have been so supportive since I got back. I don't want them to get lost in all this. My friends that took time out of there R and R to call and check on me, or friends from school who would send me messages weekly just to make sure I was ok. My family has been everything I could have ever wanted and more this past year. But, if I am being honest, this past year has been terrible. Yes with everything there were bright spots, but everyday is a struggle now. I go back to that day every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed. I go to that day with every step I take when my foot still doesn't move the same way. I go to that day when its gorgeous outside and all I want to do is go for a long run and I cant. Physically and emotionally nothing is the same. My overall point is that far to often after a tragedy people feel an obligation to be positive about it when asked about it. But the truth is its still a tragedy. And maybe one day I will look back on this as a positive event in my life, but one year later it certainly has not been.
Thank you for that perspective. I empathize with your struggles to remain positive when your world has been turned upside down. I hope I can write this without it coming across as insensitive because it would not be my intention. You appreciate honesty and I feel safe enough to share my own thought process with your story. I remember when you visited and we were talking about your injury. It was difficult for me. Because in my mind I couldn't comprehend your devastation- for my own experiences were so hard. I couldn't help but be feel some of those feelings you mentioned about it just being a foot injury. I thought (which of course you know) that you were lucky to be alive. And I knew I needed to reason it out with somebody so I called my sister-in-law Liz. She helped me understand that we all have our own individual gauges for tragedy, pain, and hardships. We can't compare our pains because they are not the same. My hardest experience has been losing Todd. Your hardest experience has been stepping on that IED and not knowing what will come next for you. The challenges of healing, navigating what you can and can't do anymore, and the disappointment you feel that your injury isn't treated equally compared to a soldier who may have lost a limb are all valid and deserve other's consideration. And for me I just had to understand that my experiences are my own and I need to be sympathetic to what others are going through in their own lives. You're human Kyle and you're allowed to feel bad for yourself. What you aren't allowed to do is let it consume you :)! Adaptation is hard but I know you can do it- you've proven yourself pretty resilient so far.
ReplyDeleteEmma, firist off thank you for such a lovely and authentic response. I try to be extremely deliberate about being authentic and I see that attribute in your writing here too. Empathy is the hardest attribute to gain. I felt leaving that house the first day that there was an overlaying resolve towards me comparing my foot to your Husbands death. In no way did I ever intend to put you in a bad place or to make you feel poorly.
ReplyDeleteI have ideas but am not sure how I would feel if I lost a spouse or sibling. I can only share how I feel about losing a good friend, a good man.
I think the main thing here is to first accept "ok kyle your injury could be worse, you could be dead, or you could have been a tripple amputee." So now that you are none of those threes, where do you move to now. That would be the common Army Way to assess treatment. The nightmares, the daily pain, the addictions, the loneliness, the lack of caring from higher command. the depression, the constant thoughts running through my mind, running the same day back through for the past 13 months. My alteration in life has done a portion of pain to my foot, but a lifetime of hopefully treatable damage to my mental psyche and well being. In no way shape or form would i ever compare what had happened to me to what had happened to you Emma. The immense amount of mental stress and pain that you experience daily would dwarf that that I experience. Is it true that every individual's tragedy can somehow be relevant to another? So therefore I think mine may be relevant but obvioulsy not proportional. And seeing what you have gone through the past year, I would have done anything to save him or switch places with him so that you and Kiley could continue living along your path of success.
Your post hurt me a lot. None of it is your fault. I just was very hurt that i made you feel that way when I went and saw you. I was there to talk to you about Todd and Kiley, somehow that got lost in questions about me leg and I missed sending you the genuine message that I really do love your family. After I read your thread above I was very visibly upset. I never knew that I had made you feel like that and it killed me, being more selfaware now I can see how that would make you feel. I am really sorry if this caused you any pain Emma. I love you guys.
I'm glad we got to chat tonight on facebook, and I hope that you feel better about each of our responses :). You never hurt me. You never upset me. You only uncovered a spreading crack in my ability to interact with other's and their problems. A moment in my life that I will forever be able to go back to- a moment that taught me acceptance, empathy, and grace that I hope to apply for the rest of my life. Thanks, Kyle! Cut yourself some slack :)
ReplyDelete