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Im about to go to bed on the night of the 5th and I am overcome with emotions. It has become cultural, in my opinion, to describe sadness as "emotions". There is no negative connotation with emotions, but with sadness, certainly through expression, people conclude that something must be wrong with you as an individual. I am sad tonight. This sadness has been building up over the past 361 days and it hit me tonight. The most influential experience in my life thus far has had nothing to do with me blowing up and being injured. This next week, this set of emotions and how I sift through them, they will far off define the most "influential experience" of my life. With the cliche mention of 9/11 coming up, I will submit to you that through my 25 years of my life, this certainly will be the worst week of my life. I am still an immature, unfound person searching for what it is I am....who I have become....and what to do next. See everyone points to 9/11 when there life infinitely changed, but for me that wasnt the case. I always wanted to be in the army, war or not, my life changed on 9/9. September 9, 2010. That was the September day that my life changed. Certainly 911, put a mark on me but a mere scrape compared to the piece of me that is now gone after September 9, 2010. Throughout my life I have realized that sleep is the one point in a mans life where they consciously reflect : "should have taken i91 instead of i84, should have called her, should have done more for my mom......" Past what most individuals reflect on I want to share with you my raw totally uncut mind chatter is as I lay down to bed on September 4, 2011So as I lay down the following thoughts go through my mind:
"Is the door locked? Yes but it can be broken. Are the windows locked? Yes but they have access in. What is the threat? some crazy guy off the street to break in on me. Aside form the locks, keys, cameras, who is there to help me? no one but the probability is low of attack. But woah attack? Thats a harsh word, if there is 2% chance of an "attack" do I sleep it off logically or as a combat leader do I fully understand that 2% is 2% and stand on edge at all times. "
I juggle with this every night. I check every door and window in my apartment twice before I sleep. For me, I will never be snuck up on again. The last time I allowed someone to dictate what I was doing I was blown up and nearly sent home in a body bag. My friend, my best friend, had done the same thing 09/9 and didnt not fair as lucky as I was. See what civilians dont understand about soldiers is that the danger is always there to us. Its the reason I shook my mom this weekend when she tried to wake me up out of a dead sleep.
Risk falls from 0 percent to 100 percent; I worked in math and I understand that. But actual risk and perceived risk are totally different. War tends to warp you into a realm of perceived risk, sometime correlated to the phrase of "being on edge". Being on Edge can be defined as an individual who always think something wrong is preceding the future. War warps an individuals ability to perceive risk. Soldiers go two ways on this: one soldier risks everything upon return because he is a risk junky and the other soldier shades from all risks and those risks run his world.
I am the latter. I have yet to have a good nights sleep since I returned home 11 months and a day home. No door can withstand a breakthrough, no firescape window can be bullet proff, if someone wanted me they could get to me. All humans understand this and apply some risk factor towards the probability of it actually happening. Given that there is only a 1.5 percent chance your apartment is borken into, you should feel very safe on all occasions. To a soldier coming home from overseas, that 1.5 percent is enough to keep them all night waiting. Something moves out of place, some house toy makes too loud of a noise, or maybe a premonition in a dream and I am wide awake, add 30 minutes until I fall asleep again. I am 25 years old and I can not sleep without the TV on and a close light at my hand because of the fear. Of all the scenarios, I can not put myself in a place where I may get flanked or snuck up on; and it dominates my thoughts. My bed lies in the corner of the room, not the center to prevent space on each side. My door is triple locked and I sleep facing every entrance to ensure not being snuck up on. I wake up 8-12 times a night, consciously begging myself not to close my eyes again. I fight my subconscious on what is real or made up in my dreams.
The road back from being at War is one that needs to be talked about. And people need to understand how soldiers, including myself, can not sleep after they get back. Because they levity of the situation they have encored is so big that it dominates there sleep. Reflection is very hard: I will reflect on 1LT Todd Weaver all week long until Friday, dont just read my blog, be a player, I actually assign those that want an assignment to reflect on the stories of Todd I will show this week and really take not just 9/11 but Tood Weaver, if you learn only one more thing about Todd this whole week than I can rest knowing I did well in this endeavor.
Dear friend you have so much to give. It takes such concentrated effort to extract all that must go on in your head- I know it does for me. But by using this outlet and being so open about this journey gives each new person that reads it a better insight into the challenges our military and families face daily.
ReplyDeleteYour new "routine" with the doors, windows, facing walls, etc I think can be a natural response to what you've been through. While serving at a restaurant I met a Vietnam veteran who didn't want to be seated facing a wall- so I didn't. We adapt. Your comfort level in your own home is very important and over time you'll feel less inclined to go to the extra efforts you do now. Just know you have the power to decide when the coast is clear- don't let it take over you. Of course I'm in a similar pattern since I don't have Todd to protect us :). My house is Ft. Knox :).
Your messages about Todd always uplift me. The Todd I knew was reserved and humble when it came to his accomplishments. And because of this there were many things I never knew to be proud of because he didn't share them with the world. I found a binder with all his certificates and awards tucked away next to the taxes in a file bin!! So it's always good to hear about how much he meant to you. Because in the end that matters more doesn't it? That he was a good man. Your direction of fighting has changed...for you're still helping people...it certainly helps me :)
Kyle,
ReplyDeleteEmma is right! Your posts have been truly important and helpful to me, one of Todd's sisters, this year. I am grateful for the love you have for Todd, and for the insights you share about your own journey. My closest relationship with my brother was when we were kids, so it is particularly helpful for me to gain a better understanding of his career and adult life in the military.
For this and many other reasons, please know that your sharing is of benefit to others. As you say, it is a journey that needs to be talked about.
This is a sad week, and the sadness is appropriate. One thing I've learned about this year is that grief is very natural, and it is an important demonstration of the love we have. The fact that you are willing to face the difficult emotions, and to share that process with others, is a true, living legacy. And I hope it will grow easier in time, for you and for all of us.
With admiration,
Kristina
Thank you both for taking time out of your busy schedules to read what I have to say. I really did and still do love Todd and its honestly the least I can do to ensure his legacy lives on. God Bless you both.
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