Somethings Missing

I think all of us at some point in our lives, if not multiple times, have thought "Man I think somethings missing, I just don't know what it is." Aside from the obvious jokes revolving around John Mayer, this emotion is both common and frustrating.  The never ending thought process in the shape of a figure eight can be mind numbing.  The cliche question always arises, "What is the meaning of life" and the answer may lie in finding what is missing.  I have found in the past year an emptiness that I had not experienced in my life up until this point.  A line from the movie Blow I think adequately describes this emotion, "It's always the last day of summer and i've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in." I am not shy about the fact that depression has certainly been an ugly underlying battle that I have struggled with over the past year.  Initially the frustration centered around things of physical limitations due to my foot.  Being a grown man and having my father lift me in and out of the shower daily gets old after a while.  My mother drove me everywhere for five months because I could not drive.  I essentially became 14 years old again, and the transition from being a combat leader to a Man who could not get out of bed on his own was crushing, or so I thought.

Around late January I was finally able to somewhat live my life on my own.  This is when the mental aspects of my injury began to surface.  An interesting thing to note, if you ever know someone that has suffered a major physical injury there healing continues long after the body has mended itself.  Doctors often say that the body initially focuses on the physical ailment and the mental scars get ignored until the body heals itself.  I want to be clear before I share the remainder of this blog, what I am about to talk about is not meant to insult, hurt or offend anyone.  It is merely about awareness and how actions or lack of actions can cause pain.

Lesson 1- Later rather than sooner

The outpouring of support immediately following my injury was enormous and humbling. I received over  150 facebook messages in the first 24 hours after being injured.  I was brought to tears realizing how many people were worried and praying for me.  Eventually as one month led to two, the outreach stopped.  Now I will say, there is a select group of 10 or so people who never left my side and still constantly message me and email me, these people are my real friends.  I certainly do not hold it against the individuals that "checked the box" after my injury, but I will say this.  Sometimes the most powerful message you can send to someone in need is sent later rather than sooner.

Lesson 2- My empty wall

I moved into my apartment in May of 2011.  I began decorating the living room with my sports memorabilia and family pictures.  When you leave a Battalion in the Army they send you what is called "Colors".  It is essentially a plaque with the Battalion Flag and an inscription describing your service. I looked at a spot on the wall and said, "Wow that would be a great place for my Battalion Colors."  I had not yet received my plaque, even though I had been promised it in February, but I was assured it was coming soon.  Life went on and everyday like a little kid I came home from work and swung the door open to my apartment complex hoping my Battalion Colors would be there.  And everyday I was met with an empty floor and disappointment.  This disappointment was only amplified when I opened the door to my actual apartment and the empty wall stared me right in the face.  It angered me, "What the fuck?  How hard is it to mail something to a soldier that was wounded in your unit?  You promised me this 5 months ago, guess you guys dont give a shit."  The anger would progress to sadness, "What does this say about me?  They must have thought I was a piece of shit.  Surely if I was a great leader my unit would have sent this to me right away.  I must suck."  Unfortunately in my brain sadness always beats anger, and I was left feeling empty and alone in my one bedroom apartment staring at my empty wall.  Here is my lesson I would like to impart with this story, this is not just about the Army, if you promise something to someone...deliver it.  And if you cant deliver on that promise, have the dignity to both apologize and come up with a way to rectify the issue at hand.   The depression and pain that that empty wall caused me was way larger than the effort it would have taken to spend 5 minutes at the post office to mail the damn thing.

Story 3-  Leaders need to be cared about too

The Army has a motto of "Take care of Soldiers".  Last time I checked leaders are soldiers too.  Unfortunately in my experiences, the Army is very good of taking care of Soldiers up to the rank of E-5. Once you are an E-5 or above you do not need to be cared for, you are able to care for yourself.  This is both irrational and sickening.  I was injured on September 26, 2010.  I was the first officer in my Battalion injured, and would be until my friend Larkin was injured on or about New Years Day.  The first personal message I received from my Battalion Commander was on July 27, 2011.  Almost a full year after the incident and he finally had the time to email me.   I want to describe briefly what this feels like.  When you are in combat you become closer to your Soldiers then anyone or anything ever in your life.  The bond you share is like super glue.  Imagine you spend every minute of everyday with your closest friend, your closest family member, and in an instant you are removed and cant not see them for 10 months.  This is the feeling of being injured and taken out of country.  This is an extremely tough transition.  As Leaders we have an obligation to take care of our injured Soldiers.  About two months after my injury my internal thought process began again with anger, "I have not heard from my Battalion Commander or my Company Commander in a month, what the fuck?  We preach before every deployment that if you have a Soldier injured you would still check up on them to make sure they were ok, why do we not practice what we preach?"  Again sadness interrupted my thought process, "They must think I was an awful leader, surely if I was good at what I did and well liked, they would be contacting me and making sure I was ok.  Man I bet they are happy that I am gone now 'shit, now we don't have to deal with that guy'.  My life has lost purpose and value to the people I value the most."  This my friends is the ugly nature of depression.  Do I think my BC and CO royally dropped the ball?  Yes.  Do I believe they thought lowly of me?  Logically I would think no, but depression defies logic.  I want to be clear I love my CO and I would do anything for him.  He was the best leader I had witnessed in the Army.  Did he mess up?  I believe so.  Do I hold it against him? Maybe a little.  Have I in my heart forgiven him?  Absolutely.  My BC is a whole different story that I will not go into.  This lesson can be valuable at any institution, taking care of your employees or Soldiers does not cease at the lowest levels, everyone needs to be cared for in an organization.  The difference that an email or phone call would have made in my life can not be adequately described.

I face an interesting dilemma in my life at this point. I am in a unique position to either stay in the Army or walk away from the profession I worked over 4 years to enter.  What I will do is not chosen yet, however this last year has certainly not added a pretty bow on the Army experience.  So as I sit here tonight, rambling on, I am left again completely unsure of what is missing in my life.  Its for sure missing, maybe, hopefully, it will be found soon for the search has become exhausting and long.

I thank you for reading and taking time out of your busy schedules.