I think all of us at some point in our lives, if not multiple times, have thought "Man I think somethings missing, I just don't know what it is." Aside from the obvious jokes revolving around John Mayer, this emotion is both common and frustrating. The never ending thought process in the shape of a figure eight can be mind numbing. The cliche question always arises, "What is the meaning of life" and the answer may lie in finding what is missing. I have found in the past year an emptiness that I had not experienced in my life up until this point. A line from the movie Blow I think adequately describes this emotion, "It's always the last day of summer and i've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in." I am not shy about the fact that depression has certainly been an ugly underlying battle that I have struggled with over the past year. Initially the frustration centered around things of physical limitations due to my foot. Being a grown man and having my father lift me in and out of the shower daily gets old after a while. My mother drove me everywhere for five months because I could not drive. I essentially became 14 years old again, and the transition from being a combat leader to a Man who could not get out of bed on his own was crushing, or so I thought.
Around late January I was finally able to somewhat live my life on my own. This is when the mental aspects of my injury began to surface. An interesting thing to note, if you ever know someone that has suffered a major physical injury there healing continues long after the body has mended itself. Doctors often say that the body initially focuses on the physical ailment and the mental scars get ignored until the body heals itself. I want to be clear before I share the remainder of this blog, what I am about to talk about is not meant to insult, hurt or offend anyone. It is merely about awareness and how actions or lack of actions can cause pain.
Lesson 1- Later rather than sooner
The outpouring of support immediately following my injury was enormous and humbling. I received over 150 facebook messages in the first 24 hours after being injured. I was brought to tears realizing how many people were worried and praying for me. Eventually as one month led to two, the outreach stopped. Now I will say, there is a select group of 10 or so people who never left my side and still constantly message me and email me, these people are my real friends. I certainly do not hold it against the individuals that "checked the box" after my injury, but I will say this. Sometimes the most powerful message you can send to someone in need is sent later rather than sooner.
Lesson 2- My empty wall
I moved into my apartment in May of 2011. I began decorating the living room with my sports memorabilia and family pictures. When you leave a Battalion in the Army they send you what is called "Colors". It is essentially a plaque with the Battalion Flag and an inscription describing your service. I looked at a spot on the wall and said, "Wow that would be a great place for my Battalion Colors." I had not yet received my plaque, even though I had been promised it in February, but I was assured it was coming soon. Life went on and everyday like a little kid I came home from work and swung the door open to my apartment complex hoping my Battalion Colors would be there. And everyday I was met with an empty floor and disappointment. This disappointment was only amplified when I opened the door to my actual apartment and the empty wall stared me right in the face. It angered me, "What the fuck? How hard is it to mail something to a soldier that was wounded in your unit? You promised me this 5 months ago, guess you guys dont give a shit." The anger would progress to sadness, "What does this say about me? They must have thought I was a piece of shit. Surely if I was a great leader my unit would have sent this to me right away. I must suck." Unfortunately in my brain sadness always beats anger, and I was left feeling empty and alone in my one bedroom apartment staring at my empty wall. Here is my lesson I would like to impart with this story, this is not just about the Army, if you promise something to someone...deliver it. And if you cant deliver on that promise, have the dignity to both apologize and come up with a way to rectify the issue at hand. The depression and pain that that empty wall caused me was way larger than the effort it would have taken to spend 5 minutes at the post office to mail the damn thing.
Story 3- Leaders need to be cared about too
The Army has a motto of "Take care of Soldiers". Last time I checked leaders are soldiers too. Unfortunately in my experiences, the Army is very good of taking care of Soldiers up to the rank of E-5. Once you are an E-5 or above you do not need to be cared for, you are able to care for yourself. This is both irrational and sickening. I was injured on September 26, 2010. I was the first officer in my Battalion injured, and would be until my friend Larkin was injured on or about New Years Day. The first personal message I received from my Battalion Commander was on July 27, 2011. Almost a full year after the incident and he finally had the time to email me. I want to describe briefly what this feels like. When you are in combat you become closer to your Soldiers then anyone or anything ever in your life. The bond you share is like super glue. Imagine you spend every minute of everyday with your closest friend, your closest family member, and in an instant you are removed and cant not see them for 10 months. This is the feeling of being injured and taken out of country. This is an extremely tough transition. As Leaders we have an obligation to take care of our injured Soldiers. About two months after my injury my internal thought process began again with anger, "I have not heard from my Battalion Commander or my Company Commander in a month, what the fuck? We preach before every deployment that if you have a Soldier injured you would still check up on them to make sure they were ok, why do we not practice what we preach?" Again sadness interrupted my thought process, "They must think I was an awful leader, surely if I was good at what I did and well liked, they would be contacting me and making sure I was ok. Man I bet they are happy that I am gone now 'shit, now we don't have to deal with that guy'. My life has lost purpose and value to the people I value the most." This my friends is the ugly nature of depression. Do I think my BC and CO royally dropped the ball? Yes. Do I believe they thought lowly of me? Logically I would think no, but depression defies logic. I want to be clear I love my CO and I would do anything for him. He was the best leader I had witnessed in the Army. Did he mess up? I believe so. Do I hold it against him? Maybe a little. Have I in my heart forgiven him? Absolutely. My BC is a whole different story that I will not go into. This lesson can be valuable at any institution, taking care of your employees or Soldiers does not cease at the lowest levels, everyone needs to be cared for in an organization. The difference that an email or phone call would have made in my life can not be adequately described.
I face an interesting dilemma in my life at this point. I am in a unique position to either stay in the Army or walk away from the profession I worked over 4 years to enter. What I will do is not chosen yet, however this last year has certainly not added a pretty bow on the Army experience. So as I sit here tonight, rambling on, I am left again completely unsure of what is missing in my life. Its for sure missing, maybe, hopefully, it will be found soon for the search has become exhausting and long.
I thank you for reading and taking time out of your busy schedules.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Walk or Drive?
Recently my friend Mike from Concord, asked if I would do a small write up about leadership in the military for his quarterly news letter at Sharp Tool Company. I thought after writing it that I would share it with everyone. Enjoy.
As I walked through the gates of Arlington National Cemetery I was struck with the absolute immensity of the hollowed grounds that lay before me. As far as my eyes could stretch lay the final resting place of so many American Heroes, Presidents, Soldiers, and my best friend. I walked into the main office where a polite lady asked me, “Specific grave site?” I replied, “Yes, 1LT Todd Weaver, KIA 09 September 2010.” She shuffled through papers and eventually found the grave site. She then asked, “Are you going to walk or drive to the site?” The statement befuddled me. Walk or drive? I hadn’t even considered that the site was so far away that I may have to drive. And with my disabled right foot, perhaps driving was the best option. I paused for a second and replied, “Walking.”
I have been an officer in the United States Army for almost four years now. I was deployed and injured in Southern Afghanistan almost a year ago now. Leadership and organizational change are huge tenants of being an Army Officer. In the Army, as with most organizations, we have core values in which all Soldiers subscribe to. Specifically we have seven core values: Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity and Personal courage. All the core values put together both literally and figuratively spell out LDRSHIP. As with any organization the extent to which our employees embody these values leads to either a smooth and efficient work place, or an inevitable failure.
As I walked out of the front office my mind was racing. “How could anyone drive on such honored ground? How could I look at myself in the mirror if I drove past all these honorable heroes just to get to my friends final resting place?” My right foot had been severely mangled by an Improvise Explosive Device in September and this walk would be the furthest I had walked since being injured. Down Patton Street, left on Eisenhower, the street names of countless American Heroes droned on and I thought of my organizations core values, L D R S H I P. I was proud that I was walking, as it was inevitably the right choice, even though driving would have been easier.
Organizations will continue to live, breath and move. Employees will enter and exit over the years. Core values will certainly change based on goals, motivation, and the company’s mission. But, in the heart of every employee there will be a time, perhaps multiple, where you are posed with the metaphorical question “Walk or Drive?” Which way are you committed to acting?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Job Offering
Recently I have been paying attention to the news a little bit more. I have seen the riots on the streets in most of our major cities and the "Walks on Wall Street". I know a major issue brought up is unemployment and growing loan rates that seem to smother our average working citizen or recent college graduate. Well have no fear, I am here to give you a job description and hook you up.
Requirements: You must be above the age of 18, 17 if you are given a waiver from a parental guardian. If you have a college degree you qualify for a higher starting salary and higher position of authority. You could possibly start with as many as 30 individuals underneath you. You must meet specific weight requirements that essentially define that you are not obese. You must be under the age of 40, but again a waiver can be drawn up if it is deemed that you are healthy. There is no disqualification for prior felony charges, gang relation, or any other major mishap in your life prior.
Benefits: Your starting salary will not be too large. This is no 60,000 dollar organization off of the bat. However, almost all individuals will qualify for retrograde college assistance (aka we will give you a lump sum to pay back a portion, if not all of your college loan debts). You and anyone in your immediate family will be covered 100% medically, be that dental and regular. You will receive a housing allowance based on your rank, or housing will be provided for you. You will no longer have to live at home with your family. In fact for those that complain that they still have to live at home with your family, we actually can almost guarantee up to a year away from your family at certain points. You may be able to live abroad as well. We have sites in Italy, Denmark, Germany, and Japan just to name a few. If you decide to stay with our organization for a long period of time we will pay for your graduate degree and pay you full time duty pay while you are at graduate school.
Warnings: There is a slight chance that you may be hurt or experience hardships while working with our organization. There may be some long nights and early days. Your mind and body may be exposed to abuse that we intend just to toughen you up for better service within our organization.
I am sure you are aware that I am talking about military service. I find it funny that the jobs people tend to say they "respect" are inherently the ones they do not want to do. This past year while I was injured I got to spend four months living with my parents, and it was some of the best times of my life. I have understanding, but minimal sympathy for the complaints on college loans and debt. I have minimal sympathy for those that have been crushed by the job market. Ahh, no one was complaining about our free enterprise when it was booming and the job market was great. Well, the ideals of free enterprise have not changed, we are just merely upset that some of us have been left out in the cold as of late. Well come on into military service, the fire is nice, the benefits are great, but enter at your own risk.
This in no way shape or form intended to insult anyone, just a mere observation.
Requirements: You must be above the age of 18, 17 if you are given a waiver from a parental guardian. If you have a college degree you qualify for a higher starting salary and higher position of authority. You could possibly start with as many as 30 individuals underneath you. You must meet specific weight requirements that essentially define that you are not obese. You must be under the age of 40, but again a waiver can be drawn up if it is deemed that you are healthy. There is no disqualification for prior felony charges, gang relation, or any other major mishap in your life prior.
Benefits: Your starting salary will not be too large. This is no 60,000 dollar organization off of the bat. However, almost all individuals will qualify for retrograde college assistance (aka we will give you a lump sum to pay back a portion, if not all of your college loan debts). You and anyone in your immediate family will be covered 100% medically, be that dental and regular. You will receive a housing allowance based on your rank, or housing will be provided for you. You will no longer have to live at home with your family. In fact for those that complain that they still have to live at home with your family, we actually can almost guarantee up to a year away from your family at certain points. You may be able to live abroad as well. We have sites in Italy, Denmark, Germany, and Japan just to name a few. If you decide to stay with our organization for a long period of time we will pay for your graduate degree and pay you full time duty pay while you are at graduate school.
Warnings: There is a slight chance that you may be hurt or experience hardships while working with our organization. There may be some long nights and early days. Your mind and body may be exposed to abuse that we intend just to toughen you up for better service within our organization.
I am sure you are aware that I am talking about military service. I find it funny that the jobs people tend to say they "respect" are inherently the ones they do not want to do. This past year while I was injured I got to spend four months living with my parents, and it was some of the best times of my life. I have understanding, but minimal sympathy for the complaints on college loans and debt. I have minimal sympathy for those that have been crushed by the job market. Ahh, no one was complaining about our free enterprise when it was booming and the job market was great. Well, the ideals of free enterprise have not changed, we are just merely upset that some of us have been left out in the cold as of late. Well come on into military service, the fire is nice, the benefits are great, but enter at your own risk.
This in no way shape or form intended to insult anyone, just a mere observation.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
The Best Reads
Since I have started writing this blog I have gotten a lot of positive feedback from individuals that have appreciated my honesty and candor. I can not describe how much it means to me that my words could somehow have an effect, even if it is on one person. I feel as though I have created a following on this blog and would like to utilize this entry to share the stories that I read, that humble me, that help me understand better. Below I will share a short story about the author and I, then suggest there book.
Nate and I stood half way up church hill on our way to the Army Football game. We had spent all morning crowded around a computer trying to figure out how to make the Leader Challenge program more appealing. We got almost all the way to the top and Nate stopped. We had been speaking about previous experiences he had in the Army and how he was doing. Now we stood in silence. Still silence, maybe five minutes of silence. Nate was hurting and even as a sophomore cadet I could see the pain in this prior Ranger Platoon Leaders eyes. Nate had seen some things and they were still effecting him that day. A year or so later Nate Self decided to put down on paper the story that had haunted him so bad. Not only did he share the entire story, start to finish, he included the after and how PTSD effected his life and marriage. The book is titled "Two Wars" and if you want to gain a better understanding of a traumatic situation that a Soldier encountered and how it mentally plagued him afterwards you must read this book.
"Kyle?"
"Yes, sir"
"Am I facing the wall or facing you?"
"Your facing me sir."
"Good good, have a seat lets talk."
I sat in the cramped commanders office at the West Point WTU. Across the big wooden desk was a family friend that was critical in getting me back to West Point. A fellow infantry officer, combat wounded, a father, and a husband. He smiled in a corky way and his eyes constantly blinked. His gaze was about two feet over my head and maybe 3 feet to the right of me as he spoke. We spoke for about an hour about staying positive, about how people said he would never run but he is running a marathon now, about faith, and just about general life issues. I remember thinking, "Wow I have never met such a positively thinking person in my life." What I failed to mention was, my family friend is Captain Scott Smiley. To some this may mean nothing to others a lot. "Scotty", as we all referred to him, was severely injured in Iraq when a suicide van packed with explosives went off in front of him. He lost site in both of his eyes. Scotty is 100% blind. His book entitled "Hope Unseen" is a phenomenal read about his struggles from being a perfectly healthy individual to accepting the fact that he will never get to see his wife and kids again, let alone anything in this world. Its is a great spiritual read that will leave you feeling, "Hmm my life is not to bad." Truly inspiring.
As I sat in the crowd at Ike Hall my firstie year I was beaming with excitement. Two of my all time favorite college basketball coaches were going to give a lecture to the Corps of Cadets. None other than Coach Bobby Knight and Coach K. I was anxious to see the difference between the two men and their leadership styles. I only remember a simple few things from that brief, one being Coach Knight exclaiming, "Piss on ethics!" as he cut off Coach K's attempt to real him in. But, Coach Knight did suggest a book. A book that he said every American should read. This book was "The Lone Survivor" by Marcus Latrell. I put that in a notebook and didn't think anything of it. I finally read that book several months ago and it rocked my world. Far to often we get caught up in the best fictional books out there, whether its Harry Potter or Twighlight, we read these making up our own non fictional feelings to these stories. Well this story is a non-fiction true story about a 4 man seal team that was over run and ambushed. The title gives away the ending of the story, but it is an incredible read and really portrays the spirit of the military.
These three books have been incredibly enlightening for me to read. I understand they are all military books but for the reader who is truly interested in understanding the military in a deeper sense, these are must reads. I encourage you to pick up atleast one and give it 20 pages of your attention, thats all it will take. Thank you all for reading.
Nate and I stood half way up church hill on our way to the Army Football game. We had spent all morning crowded around a computer trying to figure out how to make the Leader Challenge program more appealing. We got almost all the way to the top and Nate stopped. We had been speaking about previous experiences he had in the Army and how he was doing. Now we stood in silence. Still silence, maybe five minutes of silence. Nate was hurting and even as a sophomore cadet I could see the pain in this prior Ranger Platoon Leaders eyes. Nate had seen some things and they were still effecting him that day. A year or so later Nate Self decided to put down on paper the story that had haunted him so bad. Not only did he share the entire story, start to finish, he included the after and how PTSD effected his life and marriage. The book is titled "Two Wars" and if you want to gain a better understanding of a traumatic situation that a Soldier encountered and how it mentally plagued him afterwards you must read this book.
"Kyle?"
"Yes, sir"
"Am I facing the wall or facing you?"
"Your facing me sir."
"Good good, have a seat lets talk."
I sat in the cramped commanders office at the West Point WTU. Across the big wooden desk was a family friend that was critical in getting me back to West Point. A fellow infantry officer, combat wounded, a father, and a husband. He smiled in a corky way and his eyes constantly blinked. His gaze was about two feet over my head and maybe 3 feet to the right of me as he spoke. We spoke for about an hour about staying positive, about how people said he would never run but he is running a marathon now, about faith, and just about general life issues. I remember thinking, "Wow I have never met such a positively thinking person in my life." What I failed to mention was, my family friend is Captain Scott Smiley. To some this may mean nothing to others a lot. "Scotty", as we all referred to him, was severely injured in Iraq when a suicide van packed with explosives went off in front of him. He lost site in both of his eyes. Scotty is 100% blind. His book entitled "Hope Unseen" is a phenomenal read about his struggles from being a perfectly healthy individual to accepting the fact that he will never get to see his wife and kids again, let alone anything in this world. Its is a great spiritual read that will leave you feeling, "Hmm my life is not to bad." Truly inspiring.
As I sat in the crowd at Ike Hall my firstie year I was beaming with excitement. Two of my all time favorite college basketball coaches were going to give a lecture to the Corps of Cadets. None other than Coach Bobby Knight and Coach K. I was anxious to see the difference between the two men and their leadership styles. I only remember a simple few things from that brief, one being Coach Knight exclaiming, "Piss on ethics!" as he cut off Coach K's attempt to real him in. But, Coach Knight did suggest a book. A book that he said every American should read. This book was "The Lone Survivor" by Marcus Latrell. I put that in a notebook and didn't think anything of it. I finally read that book several months ago and it rocked my world. Far to often we get caught up in the best fictional books out there, whether its Harry Potter or Twighlight, we read these making up our own non fictional feelings to these stories. Well this story is a non-fiction true story about a 4 man seal team that was over run and ambushed. The title gives away the ending of the story, but it is an incredible read and really portrays the spirit of the military.
These three books have been incredibly enlightening for me to read. I understand they are all military books but for the reader who is truly interested in understanding the military in a deeper sense, these are must reads. I encourage you to pick up atleast one and give it 20 pages of your attention, thats all it will take. Thank you all for reading.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Soldiers Reunite: A few great men and their stories.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
This past weekend was Columbus Day Weekend. A strategically placed weekend that allows college students to Soldiers on the front line claim "4 day" (military term for 4 days off in a row). Usually 4 days are used to travel to extravagant areas, or to do something intense like free falling and rock climbing. This weekend I stayed right in town at good old High Falls, New York. A group of my short lives heros were coming in town for the weekend and we were all going to spend time together. I had not seen them since the day I was removed from the battlefield. What I would like to do is use there personal stories and lay out an incident that occurred to them in Afghanistan.
CPT Bryson Shipman- 2008 graduate, was in BOLC, IBOLC and Ranger with me. Then through the Army we got assigned to the same battalion at Fort Campbell 2-502. After convincing the boss a little bit I was told that I was going down to Delta Company, Shipman and I were going to be platoon leaders together. Shipman, Ivey, Weaver and Snook. We were the uh "dreamteam", more like 3 studs trying to get the new platoon leader "me" figure out how to properly do my job. I would never have been a quality platoon leader if it were not for these individuals guidance and teaching. Bryson was moved to XO prior to our deployment for manageable faults within the upper level of our Company. He was told he would not lead a platoon in combat and the news angered and saddened him. But Bryson being a professional took his job very seriously and was extremely successful as an XO. He went out on several patrols but one patrol was unique. As he walked along a path he thought he had felt something compress beneath his feet, under further inspection is was a very large IED. They cleared out of the area and the IED was blown up. Later found to be nearly 100lbs of HME that Bryson had been stepping on just an hour earlier. 100lbs that would have sent him atleast 65 feet in the air and would have required the mission to change to 'find body parts'. A strong Texas man I am sure Bryson sees past this but it still wares on his mind.
Cory Kastl- West Point grad 2008, BOLC/IBOLC/Ranger School, then assigned to the good old 2-502. Cory was a leader in the battalion. One of the guys that just seemed to do everything right. If I needed advice on war related topics I went to him. If I wanted advice on lifting weights, as Cory was an all american championship boxer, I would go to him. Cory certainly was considered an immense asset to our battalion because he possessed the will power and leadership that you dont see in many junior leaders.
December 12, 2010- Members of Cory Kastl's platoon worked long hours to set up the new outpost out in the village near Sangsar, the birthplace of the Taliban. Squads were out on patrol while others continued to fortify the new outpost. The men had worked to exhaustion and it was time to put some of the Soldiers on rest cycles. The Soldiers laid down in the building for the the last time they would sleep. A massive vehicle born improvised explosive device, essentially a van packed with explosives, drove past the outpost and exploded directly next to the sleeping building. I have never asked Cory nor am sure it would be appropriate to about what happened next. The end result was 6 soldiers dead, some of them from being barred alive in the rubble. Cory himself had been trapped and received lacerations to his face and skull. I had been tracking the story through the news paper for days, prior to finding out it was Cory's Platoon and I broke down crying in my basement when I heard. I felt bad for the dead, and I felt bad for the living. The living would have to carry this for eternity and I cried for them and Cory.
Larkin O'hern was a 2008 West Point grad, BOLC/IOBC/Ranger School. Larkin came to 2-502 and was immediately granted a position at platoon leader in Bravo country. Since I started to get to know Larkin mostly at Benning I can tell you he was a quiet but very poignant. The man spoke with conviction and with confidence on all issues. Standards were key to him, yet at the same time he knew how to hold a conversation and be a close friend. He was the perfect balance of confidence and empathy. I am sure by having a new wife by his side she aided in this attributes and encouraged Larkin.
New Years Day 2011- Trying to work through the normal New Years Day hangover, I laid there in bed and reached for the computer. I decided to check Facebook for the normal stupidity that interests us all. As I got on a message popped up from my good friend Jake Ivey. We exchanged normal talk, then he said, "Man really sorry to hear about Larkin?" I said excuse me, "He said Larkin lost both his legs and his right hand on December 30th." ........."Jake I have to go sorry." My eyes welled up, I crutched upstairs to be around my family and my mom came over and rubbed my arm, she said "are you ok kyle?" I dont think I got a word out for 5 minutes, I just sat there and cried as my mom held me. A massive IED had just taken my friends legs and right hand, also mortally wounding another Soldier in the process.
As I hung out with the three of them, Larkin with his amazing wife Rachel and Cory with his uh not to far from soon to be wife Megan and Bryson, it was crazy to reflect on how much has happened in one year. I was blown away by Larkin's drive to maneuver freely. I am sure he could have sat in the wheelchair all weekend had he wanted to, but no he wanted to walk around. With the curious stares of onlookers you could see a look in his eyes that he certainly could care less what they were thinking and barely acknowledged their starers. Cory who has always been a strong guy was so concerned with the health and needs of others that I wish I would have gotten an opportunity to talk more about how he is doing....I mean how he is really doing. And Bryson, my best friend for the past 4 years, the mental side of war that only few speak about. Running medevacs for dead and wounded soldiers or children, not feeling as though you were adequately used, and knowing that had that IED gone off that would have been the end of him. I admire his mental strength.
José Narosky once said, "in war, there are no unwounded Soldiers." The mental and physical scars left behind can not be compared nor related to one another. What may mentally destroy one person, may be just another day at work. I have struggled with the mental side of war most recently, and I consistently struggle with justifying my feelings when comparing them to others who are less fortunate than myself. It is to not play down there injury, nor to embellish upon my own, but experiences as potent at these leave scars that only time and love can heal. I love my friends very much and I am committed to giving them my time to ensure they heal. Cause as a lot of people have said "Its just a bump in the road," and as my friend Larkin responded, "Yeah but its a pretty big fricken bump."
Thank you all for listening and please comment if you have any questions.
Monday, September 26, 2011
A Year Later
As I laid in the hospital bed in Germany, I thought to myself, "I wonder what my life is going to be like now." I wonder what things will be the same, what things will be different, and the kind of person I am or will become. As I laid there a nurse came in and started preparing the bed across from me for a new patient to come in. Five minutes later the new patient was carried in on a stretcher and they put him on the bed. It was an 18 year old soldier who had been involved in an IED blast. He looked like two face from Batman. His entire right side of his face was burned and peppered with shrapnel. The nurses set him up in the bed and then left the room. It was just him and I now. He started to cry. I said, "Are you ok buddy? Can I help you with something?" With tears in his eyes he replied, "Im 18 years old man. Look at my face. Who is ever going to want to be with me now? Im a freak. Im only 18."
I have reflected a lot in the past couple of months on my experiences overseas and now being back at home. I have written about my situation, my friends, my soldiers and random people I have come across. I think it is common a year after a tragedy for people to reflect and comment on how better there life is now because they went through such a tragedy. I would love to write a blog entry today about my perseverance and grit through this whole event. I would love to write about how my life has actually gotten better since this incident occurred and how much I appreciate life now. But, I pride myself on being authentic and an entry like that would not be authentic. Yes there are certainly aspects of my life that have improved, but reflecting a year later, my life has on average gotten worse.
I walked up to Grant Hall to meet one of my classmates that now works in the admissions office. I spotted him outside the door and standing next to him was the "Supe", head of USMA. I walked up, saluted the three star general and said hello. He began speaking to me about how he knew my family and my story and how proud he was of me. He was half way into telling me about how the Academy was doing when another one of my classmates walked up. This classmate had been severely injured in Afghanistan resulting in losing one of his legs. The Supe stopped mid sentence and with no explanation walked away from me and over to this Soldier. I stood there astonished, figuring he would come back and finish our conversation, he never did. He talked to my classmate and motioned to an aid, "Hey get my camera out, I want to take a picture with this great Soldier." I watched as the two took a picture together and then I slowly walked away.
This story may sound very trivial and in some ways it is. Do I hold anyone responsible? No. But it is a good vignette that signifies my struggle over the past year. Since I was young I have always been fearful of not being respected. I take everything in my life seriously and find it very difficult to brush off even the smallest of situations. I have always been sensitive to the fact that people do not take my injury seriously. To some this may sound crazy, "How could you not take it seriously?" But in the world of wounded Soldiers my injury could be looked at on the minor side. Whether it was the CW4 who told me, "Well it is just a foot injury." Or my Battalion Commander never contacting me after my injury, I have constantly felt alone this past year. I cant adequately describe the feeling of abandonment that this past year has caused me. Its a sad realization when I sit down and think, "Maybe people would have cared more if I lost my leg." Now this is no insult or anything to people that have. I am sure they would be quick to tell me I am crazy and no I really don't wish that, but being authentic I would be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind.
There have been a lot of people who have been so supportive since I got back. I don't want them to get lost in all this. My friends that took time out of there R and R to call and check on me, or friends from school who would send me messages weekly just to make sure I was ok. My family has been everything I could have ever wanted and more this past year. But, if I am being honest, this past year has been terrible. Yes with everything there were bright spots, but everyday is a struggle now. I go back to that day every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed. I go to that day with every step I take when my foot still doesn't move the same way. I go to that day when its gorgeous outside and all I want to do is go for a long run and I cant. Physically and emotionally nothing is the same. My overall point is that far to often after a tragedy people feel an obligation to be positive about it when asked about it. But the truth is its still a tragedy. And maybe one day I will look back on this as a positive event in my life, but one year later it certainly has not been.
I have reflected a lot in the past couple of months on my experiences overseas and now being back at home. I have written about my situation, my friends, my soldiers and random people I have come across. I think it is common a year after a tragedy for people to reflect and comment on how better there life is now because they went through such a tragedy. I would love to write a blog entry today about my perseverance and grit through this whole event. I would love to write about how my life has actually gotten better since this incident occurred and how much I appreciate life now. But, I pride myself on being authentic and an entry like that would not be authentic. Yes there are certainly aspects of my life that have improved, but reflecting a year later, my life has on average gotten worse.
I walked up to Grant Hall to meet one of my classmates that now works in the admissions office. I spotted him outside the door and standing next to him was the "Supe", head of USMA. I walked up, saluted the three star general and said hello. He began speaking to me about how he knew my family and my story and how proud he was of me. He was half way into telling me about how the Academy was doing when another one of my classmates walked up. This classmate had been severely injured in Afghanistan resulting in losing one of his legs. The Supe stopped mid sentence and with no explanation walked away from me and over to this Soldier. I stood there astonished, figuring he would come back and finish our conversation, he never did. He talked to my classmate and motioned to an aid, "Hey get my camera out, I want to take a picture with this great Soldier." I watched as the two took a picture together and then I slowly walked away.
This story may sound very trivial and in some ways it is. Do I hold anyone responsible? No. But it is a good vignette that signifies my struggle over the past year. Since I was young I have always been fearful of not being respected. I take everything in my life seriously and find it very difficult to brush off even the smallest of situations. I have always been sensitive to the fact that people do not take my injury seriously. To some this may sound crazy, "How could you not take it seriously?" But in the world of wounded Soldiers my injury could be looked at on the minor side. Whether it was the CW4 who told me, "Well it is just a foot injury." Or my Battalion Commander never contacting me after my injury, I have constantly felt alone this past year. I cant adequately describe the feeling of abandonment that this past year has caused me. Its a sad realization when I sit down and think, "Maybe people would have cared more if I lost my leg." Now this is no insult or anything to people that have. I am sure they would be quick to tell me I am crazy and no I really don't wish that, but being authentic I would be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind.
There have been a lot of people who have been so supportive since I got back. I don't want them to get lost in all this. My friends that took time out of there R and R to call and check on me, or friends from school who would send me messages weekly just to make sure I was ok. My family has been everything I could have ever wanted and more this past year. But, if I am being honest, this past year has been terrible. Yes with everything there were bright spots, but everyday is a struggle now. I go back to that day every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed. I go to that day with every step I take when my foot still doesn't move the same way. I go to that day when its gorgeous outside and all I want to do is go for a long run and I cant. Physically and emotionally nothing is the same. My overall point is that far to often after a tragedy people feel an obligation to be positive about it when asked about it. But the truth is its still a tragedy. And maybe one day I will look back on this as a positive event in my life, but one year later it certainly has not been.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Looking to the past to learn for the future.
After I posted my blog yesterday I was torn over if it was a good idea or not. On the one hand I feel like public knowledge of such a situation can not only be useful but influential. On the other hand after all that has happened there really is not much good that can come from posting that. I do however do not want the point of the post to be lost in all this. My Mom called me last night and was none to happy with my post. My Mom is a sweet mild tempered lady that I rarely ever see lose her cool. She strongly believes that you should never put your fingers to a keyboard in anger. I would like to share with you the message she sent in the email to me:
John 8:1 - 11 scribes and Pharisees had caught a woman in the act of adultery (the woman commonly referred to as the prostitute) and told Jesus who was teaching in the temple that the Mosaic Law required she be stoned to death. Trying to make an opportunity of this to trick Jesus that they might accuse Him, they, with stones in hand, asked Jesus what He says about the Law. After Jesus tried to ignore their repeated questioning, He told them "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." One by one each man dropped his stone and walked away.
Jesus was not arguing with the judgment. Nor was Jesus arguing the law nor the woman's guilt. Jesus was arguing with our right to execute the woman. Once all the men had dropped their stones Jesus confronted the woman and asked her if any of the men were still there to condemn her. When she answered "No man, Lord", Jesus told her that neither did He - He forgave her of her sin. He did not excuse the sin of adultery/prostitution, he forgave her of it. All behavior and thought that is sinful before forgiveness is still sinful after forgiveness. Not only was Jesus not afraid to call a sin a sin, He was not afraid to call a sinner a sinner. He even reminded her of the sin of adultery/prostitution by telling her "Go and sin no more." (in other words: he told her what he thought and then he let it go)
Jesus was not arguing with the judgment. Nor was Jesus arguing the law nor the woman's guilt. Jesus was arguing with our right to execute the woman. Once all the men had dropped their stones Jesus confronted the woman and asked her if any of the men were still there to condemn her. When she answered "No man, Lord", Jesus told her that neither did He - He forgave her of her sin. He did not excuse the sin of adultery/prostitution, he forgave her of it. All behavior and thought that is sinful before forgiveness is still sinful after forgiveness. Not only was Jesus not afraid to call a sin a sin, He was not afraid to call a sinner a sinner. He even reminded her of the sin of adultery/prostitution by telling her "Go and sin no more." (in other words: he told her what he thought and then he let it go)
I was raised Catholic, but will be the first one to admit that I have not kept up with my faith. This message really spoke to me and ultimately caused me to take down my message. While I am still angry about what happened, I certainly do not act without fault myself. Not to be lost in all this is still the ultimate point: take responsibility for your actions. I still strongly believe that relationships are gained or destroyed based on this point. With all my blog posts I attempt to reflect on my issues and hopefully help someone out there that may be experiencing something similar. The line that resonates with me the most from this entire passage is: "All behavior and thought that is sinful before forgiveness is still sinful after forgiveness."
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